The Arkanssouri Blog.

9/11/01.

2011-09-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Who thinks Obama sucks today?

2011-09-02T06:21:00.002-05:00

Republicans, Democrats, Americans, and NASCAR drivers.

This is new.

2011-07-12T06:28:00.002-05:00

Usually I don't get depressed in the summer. I usually encounter that particular demon in the bleak days and interminable nights of winter.

But yesterday and today a big ol' steamroller of depression have pancaked me all over the tarmac.

I think it may be related to a kink in my back that developed yesterday morning which kept me from doing a full swim workout. This Spring & summer I've been at the pool six days a week and I think my body was expecting a mid-day shot of endorphins which it didn't get. That the previous day was Sunday, the day I don't swim, compounded the problem.

So I trudged through yesterday and hoped the sweet, dark oblivion of sleep would hit my reset button and things would be better this morning. But it was not the comfortable slumber I fell into but a fitful, dreamless episode from which I awoke less rested and more depressed than when I started.

And the kink's still there.

Slang Definition of "Fred Phelps."

2011-03-04T06:34:00.001-06:00

Fred Phelps: n, slang.,

In an all-malesexual encounter, the act of a "top" masturbating the "bottom" to climax and using his semen as lubricant for anal sex.

USAGE: For his birthday, David allowed Johnathan to give him a Fred Phelps [or Fred Phelps Special.]

Morning Ritual.

2011-02-06T06:11:00.000-06:00

I pull into the parking space five to ten minutes before the doors open. I can see in my driver's side mirror when an employee comes to the door and unlocks it, opening the place for business.

I grab my laptop and go inside.

I wait patiently at the cash register for whatever cheery teenager is working the front that morning to punch in his or her access code to turn the machine on.

"What can I get for you?" they ask.

"Medium coffee, black."

"That'll be $1.08."

I hand over two dollar bills and receive three quarters, a dime, a nickel, and two pennies in change.

While I'm waiting for my coffee to be poured, I inspect the quarters. If they have bears on the back, they go in the other pocket, segregated from the rest of the change. I'm saving up my Alaska quarters for some purchase I'd once planned on making but have long ago forgotten what it is. Still, I can't bring myself to NOT save them.

When my coffee comes, I head to the little two-person table in the corner by the men's room. Seated with my back to the wall there, I'm unlikely to be bothered by people who want to sneak a peek at what I'm ;looking at online, or by people who insist on making inane, meaningless conversation with me no matter how much I telegraph my disinterest in them.

I sit, flip open the laptop, and press the little blue "on" button. While I wait for the machine to boot up, I get my "works" ready. From my left front coat pocket, I bring out a little black mesh baggie. It contains my earbuds. I can usually get them plugged into the headphone jack with the buds in my ears before the Microsoft "I'm ready" chime sounds.

From my right front coat pocket I bring out two packets of stevia or Equal or Sweet N Low and a little blue jar with a twist-off top containing a white powder. It's my coffee creamer, usually Irish Creme or Vanilla flavored. I pop open the flap on my cup, tear off the corners of my sweetener packets and open the little blue jar.

I pour the sweetener in first, then the creamer. After a sip, I set the cup aside to cool, log onto my first site, an online radio station, turn the music on, minimize that window, click the little blue "e" to open another one, and begin the day.

BEST $200 DOLLARS I EVER SPENT

2011-02-05T07:49:00.001-06:00

It was near-impossible to justify buying a laptop, but I'm glad that I did. Being able to go to McDonald's every morning, surf the web, and be connected to the outside world without worrying if some librarian or library patron's gonna get nosy and disapprove of what I'm looking at or listening to (bearradio.net) and throw a big, narrow-minded monkeywrench into the works is worth a lot.

It helps me to not feel so isolated, to know that I'm not the only person like me in the whole world. It's done wonders for my self-image.

Lazarus.

2011-02-04T06:37:00.007-06:00

Well, well, my friends. It's certainly been awhile, hasn't it?

Welcome to the resurrected Arkanssouri Blog!

The Arkanssouri Blog, 3/1/2004 - 2/6/2008

2008-02-06T08:39:00.000-06:00

This is the very last post of The Arkanssouri Blog.

Barring a resurrection after the April election, of course.

It's been a beautiful mess. Unpolished and undisciplined and bordering on insane at times, but hey, so am I.

I tried keeping it going after making it private, but in some sort of Bizarro World version of Social Anxiety Disorder, it is infinitely more difficult for me to write for five people than it is to write for thousands.

So I'm gonna start over from scratch. Well, not ENTIRELY from scratch. I'll carry over the hit counter reading from this blog onto my new one.

I will try (TRY, mind you) not to make the new effort quite so reactionary. Kneejerks are cleansing for the soul, but you wind up saying things that those conducting opposition research on you can gleefully point to to show how irrational you are.

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you over to Third Party Animal.

Campaign Bumper Sticker.

2008-02-04T09:04:00.000-06:00

Designed a bumpersticker for my campaign today.

Now I have to find a place online where I can 1. order just a few 2. Get it printed the right size on the sticker, instead of shrinking it and putting it in the middle of the sticker, like Cafe Press does.

Super Bowl notes.

2008-02-04T08:35:00.000-06:00

I didn't have a dog in the fight, so I don't really care, except that I hope that idiot Shockey doesn't get a ring since he didn't play, and everyone can quit psychoanalyzing Eli Manning to determine why he kept sabotaging his own success.

And I'm glad New York City has a championship. I've been rooting for one for them since 9/11. I just thought it would be the Yankees.

Great national anthem. Maybe even as good as Whitney's.

The commercials. Let's see, there's drink Coke and you'll turn into a gay-little-Segway riding, Communist-loving weenie , people nodding off (perhaps because the game was so boring), an annoying Tide-to-Go commercial, a Planter's commercial where the ugly chick uses cashews as perfume (which only made me concerned that she might encounter someone with a cashew allergy), a vomiting baby, and a Sales Genie ad that bordered on racist (pandas with thick Chinese accents). I suppose there were a few good ones (Audi, the giant pigeons, and Electric Nipple Man) but all in all, I wasn't impressed.

And the reading of the Declaration of Independence. Magnificent. I had goosebumps.

But Tom Petty left out three of his best songs for the halftime show. Collectively, they will serve as the Song of the Day. It was good to finally have a halftime show with decent audio.

But the best part was the Terminator repeatedly kicking the Fox Football Robot's ass. Too bad it wasn't around Thanksgiving, so it could kick the Turkey Robot's ass too.

2008-01-31T08:38:00.000-06:00

With candidates dropping out like flies . . .

2008-01-30T08:51:00.000-06:00

... I must take a moment to urge Dr. Paul to hang in there another week.

If he dropped out, I would have to exercise my right not to vote.

Because the alternatives are immensely unacceptable.

On one side, we have ~~three~~ two socialists, and I wonder why we spent 40 years, untold lives, and billions if not trillions of dollars fighting the Cold War to keep socialism from taking over the world if we're just going to put a socialist in the White House.

And on the other side, we'd have the guy who purged Times Square of THE GAYS so he could Disnify it (at least we do until he drops out today), and we'd have Senator McCain-Feingold, and we'd have Governor "I'm for freedom unless it's the freedom to do things I'm against" Nanny Huckabee and of course we'd have Mitt "I was for gay people before I was against them" Romney of the Global Database Cult.

Or I could choose from a list of Libertarians I have at best BARELY heard of. I suppose I could write in Chief Wana Dubie.

So hang in there, Dr. Paul.

Song of the Day: Funeral Dirge for the John Edwards Campaign.

2008-01-30T08:41:00.000-06:00

John Edwards out of the race.

Here's one for Rudy too. Nice disastrous campaign strategy you had there, Rudy.

Campaign shirt?

2008-01-28T08:46:00.000-06:00

I went into Wal-Mart in West Plains determined to find a shirt "fit to campaign in," as I told my mother and aunt.

I came out with a green and white (Thayer's school colors) checkeredish collared longsleeve button up.

I also came out with a black t-shirt that says "Be nice to me or I'll sic my ninja monkeys on you" with corresponding art of three ninja monkey stick figures.

I am now deciding which to campaign in.

Hillary: It depends on what the meaning of "pledge" is.

2008-01-28T08:37:00.000-06:00

Atomic Skylab?

2008-01-28T08:35:00.000-06:00

Song of the Day: Indeed I Am.

2008-01-28T08:31:00.000-06:00

I am extraordinary!

Question.

2008-01-25T09:06:00.000-06:00

Would it be illegal for a 38-year-old who's already graduated from high school once to enroll in the Bear Creek Middle School or the Creekside High School in Fairburn GA?

Georgia schools to pay 8th and 11th graders eight bucks an hour to attend study hall, plus bonuses.

R has pointed out a glaring Wikipedia omission.

2008-01-24T09:00:00.001-06:00

R noted yesterday that Ron Paul is married to Mrs. Paul, but there is no mention of that in her Wikipedia article.

And while Ron Paul's Wikipedia article mentions

Carol compiled recipes and photos from the large Paul family into a cookbook, originally for 14th district constituents. The book reached five editions and inspired a family "Recipe of the Week" on Paul's Congressional campaign website.

it does not mention Mrs. Paul's vast frozen seafood empire.

Somebody should correct that.

I suppose I should write something on the death of Heath Ledger.

2008-01-24T08:44:00.000-06:00

A lot of gay people seem to want to put up velvet portraits of Heath Ledger in their homes, like the Hispanics do with Jesus or the urban do with John F. Kennedy, due to his performance in Brokeback Mountain.

The problem is, I liked the idea of Brokeback Mountain, but the reality of the film felt flat to me. Ledger's portrayal of Ennis Del Mar to me felt more bewildered than stoic, and there was no chemistry between Ennis and Jack Twist that I could see.

And does every "mainstream" film about gay people have to be about suffering through doubt and self-hatred in a relationship that inevitably ends in tragedy? Can't just once the gay cowboys live happily ever after? Is that too much to ask?

This may be heresy, but to me, Ledger's upcoming performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight seems much more interesting. But that's just me, and the thing with me you have to remember is that when Mary Kate Olsen's name came up in connection with the death, my first thought was "Well, of COURSE she was involved. She is, after all, a succubus."

Blunt out.

2008-01-24T08:41:00.000-06:00

There's gotta be something more than Matt Blunt suddenly realizing he has a family to his decision not to run for re-election.

He still reminds me of a hungover fratboy business major struggling through membership in the Junior Debate Club, though.

Song of the Day: Happy Birthday, Mr. Diamond!

2008-01-24T08:36:00.000-06:00

Song of the Day: Campaign Theme?

2008-01-23T08:40:00.000-06:00

Ouch.

2008-01-22T08:43:00.000-06:00

So I'm cooking us some bacon this morning, as I did yesterday uneventfully.

Just as I'm leaning over the pan to stir the pieces around, a big piece of hat grease popped on my face.

If I hadn't been wearing my glasses, most of it would have hit my eyes.

I think I managed to wipe most of it off before any disfiguration, but it stings like hell.

Not a good start to the morning.

What I sent to "Hints from Heloise" today...

2008-01-21T11:52:00.000-06:00

I have lived at my residence almost 8 years, and I'm still getting junk mail, mostly credit card offers, for a previous occupant. I've tried everything from forwarding the junk mail to contacting the companies that send it, and yet it keeps coming. How do I get it to stop, and how do I make sure such offers for me aren't being sent to my old addresses? It feels like identity theft waiting to happen.

Ron Paul gets more votes than Hillary in NV caucuses.

2008-01-21T11:46:00.000-06:00

That's OFFICER Welfare Queen to you!

2008-01-21T11:25:00.000-06:00

A mother of five, [Corrections Officer Rannie] Miles had collected welfare benefits since 2002. The indictment charges that after she was hired as a corrections officer in April 2007, Miles never notified HRA that she had gotten the job earning a $26,000 annual salary, nor that her salary had been increased to $36,000 in August. The indictment also charges that she continued to collect benefits totaling $10,780, from the time she was hired, through November 2.

She wasn't happy with . . .

2008-01-21T11:22:00.000-06:00

. . . the reward she got for breaking up with her husband. Apparently she thought she should keep getting it after reconciling with him.

Song of the Day: Say goodbye to Admiral Grove.

2008-01-21T11:13:00.001-06:00

People can quit Searching for Bobby Fischer.

2008-01-18T11:48:00.001-06:00

He gone.

Notable passing.

2008-01-18T11:35:00.000-06:00

Stoners across America are despondent as news of the death of Wham-O co-founder Richard Knerr spreads.

Frisbee tossing will never be the same.

Ron Paul in Michigan almost beats Rudy & Fred combined.

2008-01-16T10:06:00.001-06:00

Waitaminnut....

2008-01-16T09:52:00.000-06:00

State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles . . .

Set aside the notion that replicas of animal genitalia are not as offensive as replicas of human genitalia for a moment and ponder the following . . .

Those things are actual replicas? To scale?

Couple that information with this:

[T]hey are now sold in larger, more offensive versions. Some are certainly large enough to be noticeable--the biggest ones from the site Spruill researched weigh more than 2 pounds.

It would surprise everyone if the model from which the mold was made turned out to be Richard Simmons.

But it's more likely Rick Astley.

Bonus Song of the Day: Sidney Blumenthal's Theme.

2008-01-16T09:45:00.000-06:00

No taxation without defecation.

2008-01-16T09:32:00.000-06:00

God, I hope Congress doesn't watch WZZM13.

Because I don't think any of them have thought of a poop tax yet and I don't want them getting any ideas.

"I think the 435 that turned out didn't like the poop tax," Hubka said . . .

ASIDE: Speaking of poop . . . Ewwww!

Another synapse misfire.

2008-01-16T09:14:00.000-06:00

Know what popped into my mind when I read this headline -- "Meat company recalls beef after 5 illnesses reported in Wisconsin"?

Ronald Reagan answering questions with "I don't recall."

Were they nostalgic about the beef as they traipsed through old memories of it?

Sometimes I am retarded.

Brad Renfro, RIP.

2008-01-16T09:07:00.000-06:00

I the excellent movie Sleepers (which is in my top 10, by the way), he grew up to be Brad Pitt.

In real life, things didn't work out so well.

I didn't know that was an option.

2008-01-16T08:59:00.000-06:00

Bush declares himself exempt from court ruling and therefore checks and balances.

I hereby determine that the COMPTUEX and JTFEX, including the use of
mid- frequency active sonar in these exercises, are in the paramount
interest of the United States. Compliance with section 1456(c)(1)(A) would
undermine the Navy's ability to conduct realistic training exercises that
are necessary to ensure the combat effectiveness of carrier and
expeditionary strike groups. This exemption will enable the Navy to train
effectively and to certify carrier and expeditionary strike groups for
deployment in support of worldwide operational and combat activities, which
are essential to national security.

GEORGE W. BUSH

I hereby exempt myself from all laws with which I do not agree.

Alien Dogfight?

2008-01-16T08:51:00.000-06:00

Dozens report witnessing military aircraft engaging UFO over Texas.

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times," said local business owner and pilot Steve Allen. "It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

Allen described the UFO as being a mile long, a half-mile wide, with several bright lights and eerily quiet. That matches accounts by other residents, some of whom add it was being trailed by fighter aircraft.

UPDATE: NBC5i has (not great) video.

To quote the great sage Rush Limbaugh . . .

2008-01-16T08:40:00.000-06:00

. . . SEE I TOLD YOU SO!

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children [Blogger's note: It's not just children]. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

This is easily demonstrated by looking at the abysmal sales figures at McDonald's despite superior food quality.

Song of the Day: The John Edwards Song.

2008-01-16T08:33:00.000-06:00

Senator Ratchet Endorses Obama.

2008-01-14T10:14:00.000-06:00

Speaking of Jesus . . .

2008-01-14T10:08:00.000-06:00

. . . has anyone else heard the story of Jesus throwing someone (maybe a child) off of a roof so He could resurrect him? If so, where can I find it?

'Cuz it would come in handy the next time I see one of those "Who would Jesus torture?" signs.

Or am I imagining the whole thing (which sometimes happens)?

If that's the case, I won't have been this disillusioned since that time I found out my entire existence was confined within a snowglobe belonging to an autistic child.

If Jesus was a reef shark . . .

2008-01-14T10:02:00.000-06:00

. . . who would It eat?

Little Bum Doesn't Get It Done.

2008-01-14T09:52:00.000-06:00

Clinton Adviser: "I'm nawt drunk, Ossifer!"

2008-01-14T09:13:00.000-06:00

[Sidney] Blumenthal, an unpaid senior adviser to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, was arrested in Nashua on the eve of the New Hampshire primary and charged with aggravated DWI, according two members of the Nashua police force.

...

(The Clinton campaign declined comment on the arrest and whether it would affect Blumenthal's status as an adviser.)

You have to wonder what kind of person attracts drunks and thieving traitors?

St. Charles backs down...

2008-01-14T08:56:00.000-06:00

... but replaces the cursing ban with something worse.

The proposed ordinance now includes new provisions to the city's code, such as bans on below-cost drink sales and dancing on bars or tables.

Is it a legitimate government function to demand that business owners make a profit on every item sold?

But doesn't the Left tell us that profits are evil and greed is bad?

Before you read this . . .

2008-01-14T08:50:00.000-06:00

. . . let me remind you that before the city of Houston TX got too smug in dealing with "them queers," all sexually-active gay people were sexual offenders.

And an 18-year-old boy who doesn't stop having sex with his 17-year-old girlfriend when he turns 18 is also a sex offender.

In fact, in some states, if a 16-year-old girl rapes a 14-year-old boy, the boy is a sex offender.

Now, on to the story:

The aptly-named Liberal MO is seeking to ban sex offenders from public parks.

Engler’s bill — Senate Bill 758 — would prohibit sexual offenders from going to state parks and historic sites. In its original form, the bill would have required certain sexual offenders to ask permission or to notify the site superintendent, but language is being prepared that would ban certain sexual offenders from state parks entirely.

Song of the Day: The Obama Song.

2008-01-14T08:42:00.000-06:00

This used to be the Bill Clinton Song. Now it has been passed on to a new generation.

Women want me; men fear me.

2008-01-10T09:19:00.001-06:00

Their fear, of course, does not stop them from wanting me too.

Because I got a kickass haircut yesterday and look DAMN sexy!

Avert thine eyes, lest ye get a boner in your pants.

I'll try to get a pic sometime when the lighting's better.

Can a whole city be a douchebag?

2008-01-10T09:15:00.000-06:00

Still think the idea of Big Brother standing in your bedroom watching you is hyperbole?

The City of Duncanville [TX] wants a judge to order Jim Trulock to stop weekend sex parties at his home.

John Kerry is an opportunistic oaf.

2008-01-10T08:57:00.000-06:00

Let's see. John Edwards was good enough to be your vice president, but he's not good enough to be President. What happened? Was there a big bitchfight?

So, okay, you can't support your ex-bf, Senator.

So how about a fellow Massachusetts flip-flopper such as Mitt Romney?

Nope.

Looks like that one chick's not the only one who's got a crush on Obama.

The elitist sneer never truly leaves Kerry's face. He thinks we commonfolk are too stupid to see this for the tactic that it is, when it's as transparent as the crocodile tears running down Hillary's face. Kerry has joined People For What (He Thinks) Is About To Happen, and he's angling for the V.P. slot.

Not gonna work. Even if Obama gets the nomination, he's too smart to partner with one of the apple trees from the Wizard of Oz.

ASIDE: Why does the apple tree talk like Sling Blade?

Song of the Day: Larry Craig's Theme.

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-06:00

Speaking of Larry, he seems to be dropping the "I'm not gay; I never have been gay" defense and switching to a "Hitting on someone is free speech" defense, coupled with a "Who's peace, exactly, was disturbed?" defense.

Once in awhile, I do these things called "Little Revolutions."

2008-01-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

Whether it's hiding Karl Marx books behind the others in the library, or writing "Who is Ron Paul?" in chalk on a park sidewalk or turning down the air conditioner to keep the utility company from getting a few more cents, I do little things to oppose the encroachment of growing government on our individual liberties and pocketbooks.

This next one may be so small as to be called a "Micro Revolution."

For several years, I've noticed that by manipulating the dates that electric and water meters are read, the City of Thayer Utilities Department can and perhaps does get more money out of ratepayers than it should. (I would explain how, but it's complicated. UPDATE: I did explain it [badly] once, here.)

Until last April, there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it. But with a new crop of aldermen and a new mayor came an opportunity to do something the previous council had vigorously opposed -- a city audit.

The morning after a bid was approved for the audit, the company that was selected got an email pointing out the possibility of reading manipulation.

Last night at the city council meeting, the auditor brought it up to the council and the council agreed that meters should be read on the same day every month.

It may not add up to more than a few dollars every month, but those are MY dollars, not the city's.

La Resistance lives on.

Questions.

2008-01-09T09:41:00.001-06:00

If the truth was that Roger Clemens had used steroids, would Roger have told his accuser to come out and tell the truth?

McNamee: No, you treated me better. You treated me like family. From day one I was family to you, and you treated me like that. You know, I'm glad to hear your voice. I just - you know, I don't believe that, you know, it is, whatever. I just - the bottom line is I'm glad to hear your voice. I'm sorry that your family is going through this. And I'll do whatever I can do to help.

Clemens: You just need to come out and tell the truth.

And why was it that immediately after the tape was played, sports talking heads (such as those on PTI) were saying that this tape made the Rocket seem more believable, but by the next morning, they were almost unanimously insisting it made him look guilty? Did a memo go out from the central offices of the sportswriters union?

Eminem hospitalized.

2008-01-09T09:33:00.001-06:00

Was it really pneumonia, or is that the cover story because it was that Rod Stewart/Mick Jagger/David Bowie thing?

Either way, I hope he had to get his spongebaths from a Big Gay Man Nurse.

Titan notes: Time to trade Young?

2008-01-09T09:22:00.000-06:00

A football team needs a quarterback that players believe in, someone who when you're down 34-17 at the half, your guys honestly believe can lead you back to victory. Someone who can pull a rabbit out of a hat. Someone who you can count on to make the needed play.

If he can't, it doesn't mean he's a bad player. It may mean the chemistry's all wrong.

Just because a piece doesn't fit doesn't mean it's a bad piece. It may just belong to a different puzzle.

Confidence. Attitude. Dependability. Maybe even swagger.

With the Titans, are these the qualities that Vince exudes? If not, maybe he needs to go somewhere that can play to his strengths. And who knows, maybe he'll wind up somewhere where the pieces fit. And if that's the case, who knows what sort of success will Vince foster?

Douchebag of the Month nominee: Richard Velt.

2008-01-09T09:12:00.000-06:00

St. Charles MO City Councilman seeks to make bars safe for pussies.

A St. Louis-area town is considering a bill that would ban swearing in bars, along with table-dancing, drinking contests and profane music.

If this passes, who wants to roadtrip to St. Charles, enter a bar, and read 1 Kings 16:11 out loud? How about Ezekiel 4:15? Or 2 Samuel 3:14? I DARE them to arrest me on that.

New Hampshire Notes.

2008-01-09T08:52:00.000-06:00

1. Any state that prefers a big-government neosocialist and a big-government pseudoconservative ought to have a restraining order issued against them, barring them from using the slogan "Live Free Or Die." I do believe in truth in advertising, after all.

2. When will men finally get a clue and stop rewarding women for turning on the waterworks whenever they're losing? It is a ploy, a strategy, a manipulation. Crying doesn't make you right. It just makes you wet.

3. Proof yet again that polls are useless.

4. How many of the "independents" that voted for Hillary are really Republicans who would rather not face Obama in the fall?

5. Damn that Obama guy can preach! Jesse and Nannny Huckabee and Reverend Al should take lessons from him.

6. Ron Paul's still got twice as many delegates as Rudy.

7. What was the point of that whole Free State Project thing again?

8. There's something about Romney. The next time you see him, ask yourself -- doesn't his body language and cadence bring to mind how a space alien would act if he was trying to impersonate a human being?

Song of the Day: Hillary Clinton's Theme.

2008-01-09T08:40:00.000-06:00

Note to Wal-Mart:

2008-01-07T10:03:00.001-06:00

I really am not interested in finding out what David Beckham smells like intimately.

For the record, FOX is Channel 5 on my cable . . .

2008-01-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

. . . and Channel 5 is now blocked.

It will remain blocked until Fox hosts another Republican debate and allows Ron Paul to participate.

They let 4% Rudy in, but not 10% Ron.

On Bizarro World, that is "fair and balanced."

The moment is now.

2008-01-07T09:32:00.000-06:00

All right, Free Staters, this is your chance. The rest of the country is counting on you.

When you began, you said a small group of people could make a difference.

The time to make that difference is now.

Don't blow it.

Deliver the Live Free Or Die state for Ron Paul.

Song of the Day: Bill Clinton's Theme.

2008-01-07T09:30:00.000-06:00

Gummint Cheese: 1/7/08

2008-01-07T09:28:00.000-06:00

Click pic to embiggen.

Don't take it from me; take it from THEM.

2008-01-07T09:24:00.000-06:00

Click pic to enlarge.

Sarah Brady says this is impossible.

2008-01-04T10:15:00.000-06:00

Armed Store Customer Foils Armed Holdup.

While the suspect demanded cash from workers, Merrell pulled his own handgun, pointed it at the robber and ordered him to put down his weapon, the report said. After a moment the suspect placed his gun and the cash on the counter, removed his mask and lay on the floor. Merrell held him at gunpoint Monday until police arrived and arrested the suspect.

In Hillaryspeak, this is "generosity."

2008-01-04T10:04:00.000-06:00

When Person A forces Person B to give something to Person C, the Left describes Person A as "generous" or "caring" or some other warm and fuzzy concept. Then they give you a blank stare when you ask them how generous or caring they were to person B.

See Hillary's Xmas campaign ad, for example, where she doles out expensive government programs as "presents." She is Person A, the recipient is Person C, and Hillary has stolen the presents from you, the taxpayer, who is Person B.

You'll find from time to time in this blog I point out Randian Superheroes, people who embody the ideals of Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism.

The following bitch is what could be called a Clintonian Superhero.

The holidays were sad enough for Kim Velevis and her husband after their lovable pug "Scooter" dug its way out of the backyard and disappeared on Christmas Eve. But the real blow came with the new year: A letter from an anonymous woman who had found the friendly dog and gave it to her daughter as a Christmas present.

Song of the Day: Will you return it?

2008-01-04T09:34:00.001-06:00

Ominous Signs for Talk Radio Fans in Thayer?

2008-01-04T09:19:00.000-06:00

Let me begin with the observation that Thayer seems to be in some sort of AM Radio dead zone. Most radios here won't pick up anything during the daytime except the local talk radio station. We can't even get the station out of West Plains, which is only about 20 miles away.

That hasn't been a problem, since the West Plains station and the local Thayer station have been owned by the same people for years and broadcast the same thing.

On January first, the Thayer talk radio station was sold, as was K-kountry 95, the FM country station in Thayer.

This morning, the Thayer AM station was simulcasting the feed from the FM country station.

How much sense does THAT make? Is there ANYONE out there who would rather listen to music on AM radio than on stereo FM? Is there anyone out there who still owns an AM, but not an FM radio?

Let's hope it's not permanent. If I want Trace Adkins, I'll listen to him on FM, thank you. If I want Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity or a local politics call-in show and I live in Thayer, my only option is KALM.

At least it was.

Signs O' The Times.

2008-01-04T09:15:00.000-06:00

From Human Events:

You never see a Ron Paul sign buried under snow. If need be, a Paul supporter will rig up a reinforced frame, a heating element and a spotlight to keep the sign well visible at all times. I wouldn’t want to try to steal a Ron Paul sign without a bulletproof vest and back up either.

Heh-heh. Christmas lights do a pretty good job of keeping signs visible at night as well, so I've heard.

I hate the Ted Fonda Liberal Opinion Network.

2008-01-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

All night last night, I watched on CNN pie charts showing Nanny Huckabee, Mitt Romney, John McCain-Feingold, Fred Thompson, and "Others."

The pie charts would lead you to believe the 15% of caucus goers in the "Others" category were fairly evenly divided between Ron Paul, Rudy Giuliani, and Duncan Hunter.

It was only when you read the scrunched up tallies at the bottom of the screen that you saw that Ron Paul spent much of the night 1% or less behind Fred Thompson or John McCain-Feingold.

It seems 11% gets you your own slice of the pie chart, while 10% gets you lumped in with the "others."

I suppose I shouldn't expect any better from the Ted Fonda Liberal Opinion Network. After all, they must be products of Outcomes-Based Education, because they seem to believe Ron Paul is a Democrat.

IRSskis planning ban on Refund Anticipation Loans.

2008-01-04T08:55:00.000-06:00

El Sabot: 1/4/08.

2008-01-04T08:44:00.001-06:00

Click pic to embiggen.

It's sad when . . .

2008-01-02T09:56:00.000-06:00

... you get more coverage of privacy issues in Popular Mechanics than you do on network news.

I guess there's something to that whole technogeek/libertarian correlation thing after all.

P.S. The same issue contains this excellent editorial, which reminds us, among other things, that:

Police cars have dashboard cameras, cities and counties are posting red-light and speed-limit cameras, and it seems that the dream of many government officials is to put every public space under 24-hour video watch. But try shooting photos or video of police or other public officials as they go about their business and you might find yourself in wrist restraints.

...

Supporters of widespread surveillance often argue, "If you're obeying the law, you have nothing to fear." Why shouldn't the same go for police officers?

They were doing one of those "people who died in 2007" montages . . .

2008-01-02T09:49:00.000-06:00

... and I'm pretty sure "they" were either NBC or CNN.

But who they were doesn't really matter.

What matters is their bleed-through dissolve technique from shot to shot.

Because I could swear I saw Evel Knievel jump his motorcycle over Lady Bird Johnson.

Is it proper form ...

2008-01-02T09:22:00.001-06:00

... to begin a letter with "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS:"?

I WANTED to watch the Cotton Bowl.

2008-01-02T09:12:00.000-06:00

No, that's not entirely true.

I wanted to want to watch the Cotton Bowl.

I TRIED to want to watch the Cottom Bowl.

I even set aside half of my New Year's Eve beer stash to drink while watching the Cotton Bowl.

But try as I might, I could not get interested in the game. I dipped in three or four times and it was like watching Sewing With Nancy on the gubmint TV.

And I don't think it was because it wasn't a good game. (Although that was certainly the case).

I think I was just Over The 2007 College Football Season. The regular season ended, what, four months ago?

So my Grolsch sits in the fridge, unopened, waiting for something exciting to happen to me so I can drink it.

So I'm at the liquor store on New Year's Eve.

2008-01-02T09:02:00.001-06:00

I want to have a couple of drinks to observe the holiday. Nothing near what I would drink on a typical evening in my early 20's mind you, just something to drink because . . .

... because why? I couldn't really answer that.

It had something to do with that being what one is SUPPOSED to do on NYE.

I hadn't had any beer at all since Thanksgiving, when Uncle Pete gave me a Miller. And before that had been sometime in early summer, I think, when I drank a six pack of Shiner over the course of a couple of weeks.

Jim Beam; that's another story. I still enjoy a good Beam & Coke (or Beam & Root Beer, mmmmmmm......) a little more often than that, but as for beer, my interest in that gets less and less the older I get.

Shiner sounded good, though. I think more because it reminds me of Houston than because of the taste.

But I didn't want to deal with bottles. I wanted something I could crush and throw in the aluminum can bag and not have to deal with the bulk and annoying clink of bottles in the trash. I wandered aimlessly around the store a couple of times before the cashier asked if she could help me.

"Do you have Shiner Bock in cans?" I asked.

"Nope, just bottles," she replied.

I didn't want bottles.

But none of the other beers in cans seemed particularly appealing at that moment.

So I picked out a couple of 16-oz. bottles of Grolsch and headed to the checkout.

"So you switched to Grolsch, huh?" the cashier asked.

"Yeah. If I have to have bottles, it may as well be pretty bottles."

What's the little British saying?

2008-01-02T08:47:00.000-06:00

No, not "Queer As Folk"; the other one.

'Cause I need it to describe Nanny Huckabee's little "I don't want anyone to see this, so I'm gonna show it to you" moment.

Oh, yeah.

Too Cute By Half.

Song of the Day: STartin' Up A Brand New Day.

2008-01-02T08:46:00.000-06:00

Question:

2007-12-31T09:39:00.000-06:00

Why do the Legion of Doom live in Darth Vader's head?

I think I'll pass.

2007-12-31T09:26:00.000-06:00

Hello Kitty no longer exclusively vaginal.

The cute cuddly white cat from Japan's Sanrio Co., usually seen on toys and jewelry for girls and young women, will soon don T-shirts, bags, watches and other products targeting young men, company spokesman Kazuo Tohmatsu said Friday.

I wonder if Fred Thompson will be among the first to buy a Hello Kitty Manthong.

Then why can I give you a gallon of milk that will expire within two weeks?

2007-12-31T09:13:00.000-06:00

Let's say I give you a gift card.

And it's acceptable to both of us that it must be used within 3 months. Maybe I got a free toaster for buying a gift card with such a provision. Maybe I just recognize that if you haven't used it in three months, you are almost certainly NEVER going to use it.

Is there any legitimate reason whatsoever for the government to meddle in such an arrangement?

As deputy attorney general for Arkansas, DePriest helped get consumer-protection legislation passed this year to impose restrictions on retailers who sell gift cards in Arkansas - including a requirement that the cards cannot expire within two years of being issued.

The 2007 Arkies.

2007-12-31T08:48:00.000-06:00

Douchebag of the Year: Matt Westerhold.

2007's Guilty Pleasure: Woo Pig Chewy.

Least Interesting Story Being Forcefed To Us By Big Media: Stacy Peterson. Would anyone outside those directly involved be interested in yet another Missing White Woman case if her name didn't rhyme with Laci Peterson?

Outside-the-box Idea of the Year: The Ron Paul Blimp.

Best 3-word Phrase of 2007: Legalize the Constitution.

2007 Phil Jackson Insinuendo Award: John Gruden's "Irrelative."

"If we were playing New England on a national televised game, we might have taken a different approach," Gruden said. "No disrespect to Carolina and all this other stuff because it's irrelative right now. "

2007 Doogie Howser Blogging Lifetime Achievement Award: Paul Harvey. He was blogging before there was a blogosphere, before there was an internet, before there were computers. He just used radio waves to do it.

Song of the Day, Song of the Year, Song of the Life.

2007-12-31T08:46:00.000-06:00

Here's another one of those Esquire-esque questions.

2007-12-28T09:54:00.000-06:00

Is taking land via eminent domain to build a private toll bridge a legitimate government function?

Why Minnesota Sucks.

2007-12-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

In Minnesota, this . . .
... is a "mishap."

The closet is a dark and twisted and self-loathing place.

2007-12-28T09:33:00.000-06:00

From this Sun-Times article:

[Mr.] Rivera followed the victim to the outer staircase of a basement apartment, where he removed the victim's pants and raped him, authorities said. Afterward, Rivera punched the victim in the head, leaving him semi-conscious, then inserted a metal broom handle in the victim's rectum, sources said.

Rivera gave police these details in a videotaped statement, according to Proft. When asked why he did it, Rivera allegedly said it was "because he hates f[aggot]s, and this is what they get," according to Proft.

What color is the sky in the world where that makes ANY FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER?

Rivera rapes that guy because that guy's a faggot.

Question: What does that make Rivera?

Song of the Day: Singing the Song of Angry Men.

2007-12-28T09:31:00.000-06:00

Excuse me; I have to batter a tissue.

2007-12-28T09:29:00.001-06:00

Clunky.

2007-12-28T09:25:00.000-06:00

Surely there's a better way to write this headline:

Parents Told to Abort Baby Call Disabled Son Gift.

Theoretically, there's nothing wrong with it but I have to think way too hard about it for it to make any sense and not look like a big jumble of random words.

Suggestion.

2007-12-28T09:19:00.000-06:00

NCAA, football powers seek better officiating.

How about making the refs answer questions from the press after the game like the NFL coaches and players have to?

Wow.

2007-12-28T09:08:00.000-06:00

This is obviously some high-schoolish assignment, but it's good.

So good, in fact, I'm gonna let it stand on its own and not make it a Song of the Day.

If this is any indication, there's hope for the future.

Shut Out Again.

2007-12-27T09:18:00.000-06:00

Note the absence of Ron Paul here.

Richardson's included. Hell, even Brownback's included.

And neither one of those has any better shot of winning the nomination than Ron Paul does.

But he's left out.

Anyone up for a steaming pile of agenda?

I HATE the Ted Fonda Liberal Opinion Network.

I'm guessing there won't be any carols written about it.

2007-12-27T09:11:00.000-06:00

Iowa Man Spends Christmas Eve Stuck Upside-Down In A Septic Tank.

"Have a fecal, septic Christmas . . ."

Too bad Burl Ives isn't around anymore to sing it!

[H/T 2 Drudge.]

Song of the Day: Goin' to the country . . .

2007-12-27T09:02:00.001-06:00

You-hoo, Mr. President Bush Man, sir?

2007-12-27T08:50:00.001-06:00

You need to add Callie to your list of evildoers!

I found this in my inbox this morning:

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

I'm guessing Callie won't be in contention to be Queen of the next Dwarf Pride Parade.

BTW . . . OBVIOUSLY, he was Grumpy!

The Arkanssouri Ad Agency.

2007-12-27T08:42:00.000-06:00

Remember the old Grey Poupon commercials? They were great for the Dynasty-driven 80's. But I think they've left a lasting aura of snobbery around the product.

So, I suggest an update of the ad campaigns, something that will appeal to a younger, hipper crowd.

Along that vein, I've assembled a couple of protoposals:

Email me with details on how I can pick up my royalty checks, Mr. Mustard Company!

Bashflack.

2007-12-26T10:45:00.000-06:00

Some of my inner circle will remember these. I guess you could call them the Gummint Cheese prototypes. The ink in the originals was a bright red, except for the Toys one, which was blue, but colors took up too much disk space.

Click the pics to embiggen them, and print them out. Then color them if you like and put them on your refrigerator.

I wonder sometimes if my Canadian Doppelganger ever created a similar piece with the title "Labatt Got In My Hair."

Contrary to appearances, the original title was going to be "I Am Afraid Of The Bus." I stopped in the middle and scribbled the AM out. It was NOT "I Am Not Like The Bus."

Apparently, I had abandonment issues.

Yes, why indeed?